A little BIG surprise – Day 47

25 Apr


I complete my final woodwork assessment. (Random things to care about – the modern me)

It’s been a bit of  a marathon test and now I have something to show for my sentence.

There’s a letter from Richard, my brief. It seems that despite having settled up on my Confiscation Order, there is still a matter of ….

ZERO pounds and

Six pence!

The cost of a first class stamp is how much?

I hear this matter has been lingering on for 3 weeks now. It has involved a great deal post between the Courts, the FSA and my taxpayer funded solicitors. Chuck in some legal-time for phone calls and secretarial messages, you can bet your bottom dollar, that this outstanding sixpence is likely to have cost a good deal more. By my reckoning more than a ‘thousandfold’.

You’re reading this and you might be putting this on me. I assure you, had I known I would have endorsed the debiting my prison account of £0.06. This is however the fault of bureaucracy and those tax wasters in the world of Government departments. This latter comment is not a jibe at the army of:



Teachers…. blah blah blah

But the vast numbers of men and women who don’t consider the value of the taxes that fund them and the cost of their procrastination.

I’m sure the FSA refused to accept my Proceeds of Crime Order had been fulfilled until this 6 pence had been paid.

“It’s the principle!” They stamp their feet. Arms crossed:


Nice one guys, you just cost the taxpayers you serve, hundreds of pounds on this one. A little lateral thinking wouldn’t have gone amiss there.


I fill out my canteen sheet and seek out the prison barber.

You don’t pay to have your hair cut with fags and baccy if you can avoid it in prison. Though invariably barbers differ in their skills and if you require something a little special, then I guess a set of clippers set to grade 1, won’t cut it. Trying to save money on hair products, with my limited funds, I’ve got a shorn head. Being the grey man.

The barber in Ford, Marvin, he’s good on the shears and his little job sees him tucked away in a mini salon. King of his little domain, he lowers ears all day in a set-up not too dissimilar I imagine to that which he worked in before he got sent down. In his late twenties, serving a 5 for drugs, he’s a cool cat and makes his visitors feel that they are indeed sat in a barber shop somewhere close to London Fields or Brixton Hill Road; complete with angry rap music and the white tissue your given at the end of the chop to do what you will with.

NB: I have no idea what that tissue is for.

Nor do I know what the warm towel on a Jet is for either.

Mystery of the Human Race.

Haircuts here are booked and fitted in via a workplace rota. My shift is wednesday morning as I am in education; however after finding the barber likes to down tools and play football on a wednesday, I decide for today only, I work in….

(Checks Hair Salon Rota…)

Injection Moulding. Yes for one day only, I am a folically disillusioned injection moulder in need of a trim for what would be my first visit since sentencing, this weekend.

Heart strings tugged – Marvin finds the time for me, in his 3 hour schedule, despite being chock-a-block with 1 other appointment.  What a guy! 🙂

He does a banging cut, it’s just a shame he tried to flog Colombian Marching Powder to a Copper; he could be earning enough on the out. He failed the first rule of a good salesman:

‘Know your Customer’


‘NO… REALLY know your customer’

(Read my book: the Wideboy’s Handbook, to learn other sales tips)

I learn from our chat he’s got more important priorities in life these days – time will see him right, I don’t doubt it. Good luck to you Marv.

In the afternoon, I knock out 12 rounds of 2 minutes of skipping before dinner as well as helping my room-mate sort out his washing.


I walk into the dining hall with Spence and join the rear of the winding, snakelike queue.

I feel a presence on me, I’m a little uncomfortable. More to the point, I know someone is watching me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a figure staring at me.

I spin round and face the figure.

Double take

The imposing figure, the silver hair…






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